Life after leaving... The hardest part is remembering to believe in YOU!

September 11, 2015

 

Life after leaving unhealthy relationships can still be challenging.

 

People who've never lived in these types of relationships seem to believe leaving means you're instantly happy and free.  But no one is ever free until they free themselves from the prision of their mind that kept them in place for so long and keeps them asking 'why?' for so long.  

 

There's never a good enough reason 'why' therefore, the first step is rechanneling your thoughts to remember what you did right instead of believeing you did something wrong.  

 

People who spent most of their time breaking you down means there is something wrong with THEM... not YOU!  

 

The hardest part in recovery may be believing in YOU!

 

Own your successes! 

Take responsibility for the things you do and (did) right!  

Because there's a lot you did right!  Especially in leaving an abusive situation!

 

Let's take a short trip down memory lane. 

Abusers need their ego fed, their problems fixed, and someone to blame.  Add to that someone to handle their needs, the chores, and do all their dirty work.  Sound about right?  You've already been through it all... do you know how much easier life gets after leaving?  It's not immediate.  In fact, you have to walk through hell first, but when you get to the other side, there's nothing but amazing waiting for you there.  

 

However, right now, in the mental place you're in, more than anything right now, it's important that you BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF YOU!

 

Because as of this moment, you no longer allow other people to take credit for the mountains YOU moved.  

Right? 

Right!

 

When it comes to women coming out of toxic relationships, it's second nature to work miracles and build someone else's ego behind closed doors.  Even if the toxic relationship you're coming out of was for a crap-ass ex-boss or a parent-child relationship.  So, why would it be any different when stepping out of that bag of chaos and into your own life?  

 

The fact of the matter is, building someone else's ego without credit to you will still be second nature.  After all, you are still you.  And YOU happens to be someone amazing who is filled with determination, pride, and an ability to get it done when it needs to be. 

 

Thank God you are still that part of you!  Because look how awesome you are!  

However, you were also in a thankless position where no one truly knew it was you holding it all together and making things happen all the time.  

 

You were in a position where being the fall girl was part of the job you unknowingly signed up for throughout the duration of that relationship ... even though you THINK and ACT LIKE A BOSS!  You know it's true.  I know you better than you think I do.  Because I know me.  And I once lived it too. :)

 

The highlight is to look at how far you've come and all you've endured! 

Not just anyone can work the miracles you have.  

I mean let's be honest.  You kinda ROCK!... yea, you do!

 

Women who walk away from abuse and save their children and themselves from a pattern of life-long mental anguish and hurt are Conquerors!  You are not a victim or a survivor because those titles don't give you nearly enough justice.  The reality is, there's next to nothing now that you can't do!  

 

You are INVINCIBLE! 

Like hello?!

 

     I'd like you to think for a moment about something: How hard was it when someone put the most irrational of demands of you and yet, you made it happen anyway because it kept you and your children safe?  

 

Think about every time you pulled double-duty, made sure the house was perfect, balanced bills, or found money somewhere to keep him from losing his cool?  

 

Think of all the times you fed the kids, showed up at the PTA, watched your kids in rehearsal, faked a smile on Sunday morning, listened to him talk for hours, and then still did whatever it is that needed to be done so you wouldn't be blamed for the next thing coming undone?  

 

Think how much space in your mind was taken up wondering, worrying, or asking yourself how you were going to handle the next situation?  Or worse - trying to diagnose yourself and figure out what's mentally or physically wrong with you.  Or wanted to be asleep.  Or couldn't sleep. Or why there was so much anxiety all the time. Or why you couldn't feel anything anymore?  Remember that point in your relationship where you just stopped giving a damn?!

 

Dealing with irrational people is hard enough.  

Dealing with abusers who sound rational and appear 'smart' but contradict themselves in the same breath and project it onto you is enough to make anyone lose their mind.

 

The things that abusive and incredibly insecure and selfish people tell us we can never do, or won't be able to sustain doing, might include: getting a job, raising children on our own, living without them (or their support), finding a place to live, and maintaining custody of our children are often some of the easiest things we will ever do!  

 

Fear keeps us in place.

 

How will you survive financially without someone after years of isolation seems to be the majority of concern when it comes to leaving abusive relationships, especially when children are involved.  Here's a woman who has something to say about holding her own financially.

 

Vanessa was a stay-at-home mom of two who moved into her mother's house when she finally decided to leave.  One of her children was in school but the other was still at home and there was no one to help her with child care and no money.  She did receive food stamps and she says it was a gift.  And when it came to getting a "real-job" she had this to say:

 

"It was hard finding one at first.  That was a struggle.  But a lot of that was because I didn't think I could handle a job.  When I finally did though, it was the easiest thing I'd ever done.  I thought to myself, 'That's it?...This is all I have to do?'  

 

No one was yelling at me for getting it wrong, belittling me while I was trying to learn, or telling me if I didn't get something done in the next hour or get on the phone and make the person on the other end go against their corporate policies that my children and I would be going hungry or lose our house or I'd suffer the consequences.  

 

And there was no name calling.  I couldn't believe how nice people were.  It wasn't my ideal job in the beginning, I was just working as a retail-clothing clerk.  But, even that was something he said I would never be able to do.  Even so, I woke up every day and went to work.  Even on days I didn't want to.  It felt great to have earned a paycheck.  I had my bad days too though, don't get me wrong.  But, it wasn't anything near the inanity of waking up to the next drama or chaos-filled event trying to figure out who did what or what went wrong.  Life was so much easier than I thought it would be.  Even though I still had a lot of mental anguish to sort through." 

 

 

Sometimes, it's those seeds of doubt an abuser spent years planting ... telling us what would be the hardest part for us to do ... that becomes the easiest thing for us.

All you have to do is Believe in YOU! 

 

 

Just as you can choose to accept a compliment, "Wow! I love those shoes.  They are so pretty! Where did you get them?"  You choose to accept someone's assessment of your abilities. "You'll never amount to anything! See, you're nothing without me.  I made you who you are."  

 

Interesting isn't it?

 

It's so incredibly simple and yet so insanely complex.  

We believe the people closest to us should love us.  

However, it is the people closest to us that hurt us the most.  That's because we value and care about their opinion of us. 

 

All that matters now is how you see YOU!

 

If you still care or value that opinion, or if you are trying to justify and rationalize the situations someone else faced you with, then you are not ready to move on.  Because anyone who loves someone will not make you responsible for their shortcomings.  

 

Believing someone else's lies, such as, "you'll never be able to hold down a job," is one more reason why it's even more important that when you leave, you constantly talk yourself UP to believe in YOU!

 

Because I believe in you. 

            And YOU got this!

 

Paying bills may not seem easy.  However, paying bills after your significant other went on a shopping spree and spent all the money is much harder than paying the bills because you are starting over, have a paycheck, and set aside money for rent, food, groceries, and gas.  On top of which, there's no more wondering if you can go shopping, buy new shoes, or get your nails done.  Nope!  Those days are over.  Because you control YOUR life and YOUR finances!

 

You are victorious.  You are a conqueror.  

You did the hardest part already!  You met the demands of an irrational man who had no realistic concept of time.  

 

Life after leaving abusive relationships can still be challenging and the hardest part may be believing in YOU!

But you did leave.  And you did it for you because you deserve better and you did it for the children you love!

  

No one deserves a life built in pain, isolation, and self-doubt.  

No more believing in someone else's lies.   

 

I am going to help remind you who the f* you are.  

You're AMAZING!  

Do you hear me??!!!  

You are incredibly undeniably

beautiful, strong, and a hero

for all you've endured!  

 

You're not being judged for your life.  Who's judging?  

Last I checked, the only one who can make decisions for your life is you!  Isn't it time you took control of your life and got what you wanted for you?  

Stop judging yourself!  Let go.  

Get it girl!

 

....xoxo

 

-Invincible Victoria

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